i went for a swim, i was excited about finally swimming at the PAC and being able to compensate for the end of swimming lessons. it was packed, excellent stroked swimmers padding their way up and down the lanes. i stayed 20 minutes before i just couldn’t cut it. this will take practice, i need it though, the way it makes me feel is irreplaceable. the enclosed freedom, a conundrum of constriction and the ability to be let go at the same time. especially now, when i am in a low spot. more of a neutral spot, i recognize the lack of want and the numbness that sometimes takes over. like a pinch, i need to push myself to swim and be active in order to slap myself out of it. there is no need for this loss of interest in the world and yet when it comes i cannot turn it away.
it’s all in the thoughts, they hold the power to how i feel and how i act. i sweep out my mind, reorganize and refurbish the elements of myself, the parts that give me that elated feeling. appreciation and wonder, the simplicity of a day and how it’s all for the taking. all these things i tend to externally, the callings of practical life. i forget all the parts of myself i lock away, abandon to the voids of my mind, that cataclysmic prison within a phantom reality. they bring the most comfort, my imagination, the trimmings off my adult mind. it’s not that hard to get it back, i only ache in its absence and it returns, familiar waves of creative energy bursting from the seams of normalcy.
my issue is my prickly surface, the lonliness in crowds of people. their perceived difference makes my personality retractable. unpredictable situations and it must be my anxiety, a bubbling stream of insecurity or overthinking. but when i just flow with it, caught up in the current of conversation, it’s bliss. yet amidst these rare occasions, the other, less amiable lonliness and rush to escape the surface talk, the barely human interactions. if i want more, i ask too much. it’s just the connection i crave, the seeing as we are and seeing through the rest. i am no good at the bare minimum, the minuscule back and forth about the weekend and the drunken fest. there is no time and if there is i refuse to waste it on banter.