to darkness

I can’t help but feel down. There is no reason really, the feeling is familiar and takes up all the room in my mind. at least my heart isn’t racing, there is not panic, no confusion. just a hollowed out removal of energy and it’s fitting for the first day i try to face up to the anxiety. the beginning is the hardest but it should be pay off, all effort is worth something. i don’t feel worried about anything, i say that anyways because there is nothing on the brink of my mind that is unsettling me. it must be deeper. rooted far out of reach, i feel the aches of pains i cannot understand. that’s the worst kind.
if i go home now, i might not have the motivation to do anything. just look at the warm walls with cool eyes and call it relaxing. there isn’t a relaxed bone in my body but i thought i was trying. there are those big sighs that don’t feel like deep breaths but instead like i am somehow giving up. there are things that could get me feeling good again, there must be but when i am in this state, they lose their vibrancy. i am too awake for sleep, too aware for shutting off my thoughts. the hum of negativity punctures the lucidity of right now and i don’t feel equipped to fight for happiness. nor the need.
i sometimes wonder if there is a chemical switch in my brain and with the slightest imbalance, my general enthusiasm crumples. nothing could counteract it, like a sponge i feel absorbed of my energy and interest. how can that be in a person? that flight of the conscious to darkness.