tiny tragedies (from last blog)

i poured the rest of my milk down the drain, there was nothing wrong with it. i just didnt feel like drinking the rest. i switched to grapes and water, that somehow seemed more appealing. i was looking at the last watercolor painting i did, it was a long time ago now, and i remember i didnt feel like i was in the mood for painting. i forced some pictures out, started on images and then changed them half way. i couldnt make up my mind. i am a horrible artist when i dont know what i want the paper to say. it turned into some squiggles, dark colors, dots, lines that merge and seperate, more dots. then i had turned the page over and pressed the painting into the table, that smeared it all. i look at the drawing behind it and i wish i would have actually put it onto canvas, onto the blank canvas that sits on my kitchen table staring back at me whenever i sit down here to do whatever it is i do at this kitchen table. why do i get such an unfinished feeling. i bought some chocolate dip sauce for my fruit only it’s not actually chocolate dip, it’s got a mousse texture. and i like the way it feels on my tongue, really light and full of flavour. wow my apartment is loud tonight, like all the walls are echoey, the furnace shaking the floor, the windows creeking, and yet i only hear silence. i dont want to turn on my music. and i dont want to play guitar. or even try to for right now. funny how i was so excited about buying that guitar and i barely have picked it up since i was obssessed with taking it everywhere with me about a month ago. it’s a temporary give up…but i know i’ll come around to it again. it’s just such a pretty instrument, i cant let it collect dust. i love the feeling of a grape in my mouth, the juice spilling out on my tongue. it might sound weird but i’m weird and it’s little things like that. that i like. i learned something about myself today and i am sure it is the same for many people. i have days where i notice things about people, things go in slow motion. every moment could be a key moment in an over sentimental movie. i see connections between people, maybe even love (as much is visible), i see people features in a whole new way, like an outside epiphany of someone’s beauty even if i have only just met them or have never met them. i watch mouthes, flashes eyes, a stray wisp of hair or a word drawled out in an attractive way without the speaker knowing. i’ll see light rays bouncing off rooves, catching the light, a perfect boot print in the snow, an intricate diamond pattern of ice on a puddle surface in early early morning. but other days this second sight elludes me. i cant see the good in anything, things because what they are and i am too tired to look past that surface appearance. that sort of view is exhausting. it shells me out and seems to take color from everything, all the sparks. i dont know what decides what the days are going to be like, how the magic jumps into my morning and rides through the day and then disappears jaggedly just the next day. but i like that. maybe i sort of revel in the lose of it too, being without it keeps me appreciating, i might lose the magic all together if i had it all the time. never suffered through those drab days. i might even be attracted to a kind of tragedy, i think we all are in our own ways. i mean yea, in the big ways too, with the news stories of murders, coverage of crashes, but i’m talking our singular lives. the day to day, when we go through rough patches and we stumble. when we get through it we become better people, if you dont let yourself get bitter over the hard times i think you can suck a vibrance from the bad experiences, transform into a more realized person. it’s just my theory, not like i want more badness in my life…i’m fairly equipped with enough of my tiny tragedies for now. and decently grateful for my share of magic.