special ties

Special ties, the binds that hold us are tangible yet, I slip into unrest. All the elements that are human and deceiving, breaking my mind into bite size bunches. I want to be without fear, to fall and lie alone when you can’t be by my side. I have to remind myself not to think too much about unlikely situations or how you may compare me to your past. All these lives jumbled, we are collected into the present, tidy balls of human tissue and within each so many stories. Trying not to push away the good, the pure and true emotions that come with thinking of you. Wading deep, so deep that my feet are floating, my head bobbing in dark blue. Afraid a ripple might send me down, that you might forget to look and let me drown. These are parts of my worry, stretching my mind I have been trained to be defined, independent and certain of the worst in everyone. The background, the invisible thoughts that trace your face and call out to me. Can I be what you want me to be? I have been rejected, been lead to believe that love is not for yourself, that there is more than what I want. The weight of not being wanted, or being partially slotted into place. Opening takes all the effort, the pouring portions of myself into the sippable, always the same reality. And I may not be spontaneous as you’d like me to be, the captions of our life popping in cartoon bubbles, the disappointment is palpable. If I shrink to the actual size of me, the larger than life striped away, then there is less to see. This is all amounting in the guilded guide of my mind, the solid sections of perhaps and maybe. I have seen the bends in you, the halls that lead to possibility and with you there is always adventure. In the silence, the buzzing of the furnace and creaking of the floors, I begin to examine my ways. How in the dark alleys of the forgotten and the forgetting lies a sliver of misunderstanding, the communication pocketed into the unsaid. We say what hurts the least but the knowledge remains, I hate these games. This is it, this is all, let the pieces where they fall.