I can’t help but feel the shadow box scars overcoming me and I sink down. Most of the time, there is uplift, a regression of darkness and I can get through it. No matter what it is. I can’t change people, I didn’t know that before but I learned it and thought I had accepted it. My expectations are the problem and my inability to just let it go, to move on and past. There is a always tomorrow and the value of the moment and it’s endless opportunities. I have let myself be affected by someone else, to the extent that I feel disconnected from that understanding. I thought I wanted love, that it would grow and become, that caring for someone would mean that all that I tried to do would be recognized but it is circular logic, anything I try to say is pushed back, a criticism. Lately I have found it easier to be silent. To let the words stay in my throat. I don’t want to become caloused or do just give in. I know that what I see around me is a mirror of what is inside of me, that this unhappiness and lonliness is fostered from within and when I become more open and ready to have what I need, it will come. I used to think of pain as a burden, as unfair and as though it would chip me away but now it is a gift. Anything that happens, I don’t have to depend on anyone. There have been so many low times but here I am, further and stronger than I ever thought I would be. Looking back at how many times I said to myself ‘I give up’ and I didn’t, I figured it out and overcame it. Even when things seem bleak, I can’t stop working at it. This is just a passing shadow and I control how much light I let in my life and what shapes me, defines me and makes me stronger.