May 29, 2015

It feels like two cement blocks tied tight to the shins, skin rubbing raw and ragged, coming undone. Similar to being frozen, heart dipped down into the bed and buried 10 feet past reachable. Like every vibration hangs on and swirls around in my head until I can’t pay attention to anything else. Drowning in air and all the things that I can’t quite manage to master and it haunts the soft spaces in my head that I kept for only beautiful. It collides with reality, spreading wounds and pushing past what’s bearable. And loneliness is inevitable because there is no room for eyes on mine and a comforting word, only the wonder why and pulling of come on and get past this. What if it feels like there is nothing past this because I have been around and around and come up and went down. Not jaded, not hard enough, no callouses, just the pale pink of vulnerability and wet cheeks under drooping lids on pillow cases that can’t quite absorb it all. Falling down, my body tells me when I refuse to listen that this can’t go on. Changes coming and each tight breath in my chest brings me closer to the edge, when I am finally ready to lose enough to win, it will begin. Underwater, the image comes in dreams and in the morning when I have to start the day but hate the processes that take me further away from my destiny. Slow motion with those dragged down legs, I am on the bottom of the ocean and it’s never-ending. When I know where I have been, how I have overcome yet still, this is a new battle with lessons sharp enough to kill me. It’s a narrow route, flowing from the source into my core, telling me ‘no more’. Exits blocked, time warps and curls around to kick me out, into emptiness and the divine.