May 27, 2015

Looking down at my peach pink nails, typing on the key board, I feel overwhelmed. Not in a bad way, but like there is a bubble around my body and I am just bridging the tension about to burst. My heart-mind is racing and enjoying the emotions that flow. It is a flow, coming up for air and viewing my state from the inside, outside, above and beyond. I want to hug myself on the spirit level, on every level and connect with the pain and suffering that has come and passed. I know it all so well, every moment of despair that caught the air in my throat, the block in my chest. I profile these moments and feel them through my intangible sensory receptors, I appreciate them all. I am so glad that I learned to sit with my pain, with the feeling of too much to carry, as though I just might not make it. It is so similar to physical parallels, when I have been in so much pain physically that I just wonder if I can stay conscious. On an emotional, non-physical level, there is a limit and an overflow support to deal with that bite of burn on the inside. I can recognize it now. I can feel my strength, after all that time thinking over and over that I was becoming weaker and weaker, the inner turmoil created micro tears in my spirit that rebuilt, tension tipped my scales and transformed the brittle bones into an empire. Everywhere I go, here I am. I know the experiences and let them shine through the warped versions of my history splayed out, sun kissed, bleached carcass of beauty. In the remnants, I find all that I was looking for. The pieces carved to fit, made just for me by me in my darkest moments. How much can I feel, my capabilities beyond my wildest imaginings, there is always more I can handle, always a new frontier.