March 24, 2015

Today I am reflecting on what makes me happy. I know that I have struggled with depression for a long time. I have been seeking out the roots and trying to unravel that knot that has been in my stomach for years. I have all the tools for happiness, an abundance of potential at my fingertips. At times I am surrounded by the manifestations, the full abilities ignited and I have no fears or doubts. Fitting into what other people expect or want has always been a top priority for me. I feel like making other people like me has been something I am always making more important than how I feel about myself. What I know is true is pushed to the side when someone else tells me it is false. So easily, I have done this time and again and as a result, my faith in myself has become so frail. I have a very strong gut instinct; I have recognized it since I was a child. When options are presented or there is a choice to be made, my mind jerks me in a direction but I automatically seek out other people’s advice to compare the realities. If the reality is different than the one I felt so strongly, I usually ignore my own.

This has become a cycle. Over and over, doing the right thing has become more complicated. Doing the right thing has become what is right to someone else and not my own moral compass of what I know to be beneficial to me. As I wake up, I see that my depression is in my own hands. On my own hands. I am responsible for listening to myself and respecting the choices that I feel will make me happy. It is good that I try to see the best in others, especially those who love me, but I know me best. I know the inner realms of my being; I know my past and the obstacles that I faced. All the information is there, and at my core, I want to avoid this pain in the future. My lessons have been on repeat but I continually put myself on the backburner. Pretending that I am lost when I am always found.

When I think about what makes me happy, I fill up. There is so much, the simplest acts are astounding and I know that I am so very worth it. This journey is it, this body for now, this life for now, this identity and all the power in the world to transcend it.