I still feel like I am floating. Eyes open in the darkness, taking in the void. It was different this time, I slipped into something else, expedited through the levels to find the peak purpose. This float was designed to pass on information. To upload specific images and knowledge so that I could move past these blocks that I have been experiencing. It doesn’t mean that the process is going to be any easier, if anything the information in the float chilled me down to my spiritual bones. I only hope that I can use it properly and be patient enough with myself as the next months unfold.
I felt good the morning of the float, excited and anxious to be back in the tank. When I arrived, I had a conversation with one of the hair stylists about Kaugen water and it’s benefits. I signed up for the Kaugen water challenge, to drink the water for the next 3 weeks (I ended up forgetting my water there when I left). When I showered and prepared for the float, I felt calm and grounded. I thought for sure it would be a positive experience with a lot of images and sacred sound. Again, I couldn’t avoid having expectations, ideas about what this sensory deprivation would deliver.
I climbed in the tank and laid down. Watching my body as it begin to try to let go of muscle tension. My ear plugs in, I could still feel the vibrations of the tank, and feel the crack of my vertebrae as a I stretched my neck. I felt more trusting of the environment than last time. I had read more about how the tank operates and found out where the air comes in the tank, all the details to set my mind at ease. I felt that my body was immediately more relaxed and tightness in my chest was lessening.
I went into several sequences of deep relaxation, trance states that left in a detached state. I wandered around in my mind, opening doors, closing them, unfurling thoughts, seeing shadows. I noticed when I found something that needed to be examined further, my body would jerk. It felt like my body was communicating through this jerking movement and I tested it by turning my minds eye away from certain thoughts as they surfaced, some caused an immediate reaction while other had no effect. I reminded my inner realm that I this was still the mental realm and I had intentions of going much deeper.
It took time, although I had no concept of time while in the tank. I felt like I was without a linear compass. Losing my grasp on what had passed and what was still coming. The present was slippery as I moved past thought and into pure imagining. I started to see images of hindu gods. I recognized Kali, starting as a dark form squatting down close to the earth, lifting one foot and then the other in a sort of haunted dance. Her face filled my mind and I vaguely felt the sensation of my body gasping. She was terrifying and yet so beautiful. Pale skin with deep crevices, hollows under her eyes that seemed to reach into her skull. Her lips were pulled back in a growl, sharp teeth glistening, a rolling tongue folded over her chin. She was so close, I could smell the flesh on the skulls around her neck. Rotting mixed with wet earth, the smell of a forest gash filled with dead animals. The fear began to subside, as I felt her pulling at me, asking what I had brought her. I could feel pieces of my fear lifting, dislodging from what felt like my body, cores of blame, guilt, sorrow, jealousy, pain, anger, leaving me. I could feel the lack, as though my body was swiss cheese, and I immediately felt so much lighter. Kali feasted on my darkness, transforming it all into nothingness. She released me and whispered, let it go, into my being.
I immediately stepped into a new reality. Everyone that I had every known in any capacity was dead on the ground around me. I was laying in the center, all sides touching cold death. I could see through my own eyes but also through the sky above looking down. I saw Shiva, his smoky skin and golden hair ablaze with movement as he created a path through the bodies towards me. He stepped on my chest, I felt my ribs crack and cave but there was no pain. He laid down parallel, his eyes level with mine. I saw all of existence, everything that had ever died and ever would. He reached behind my back in an embrace. I felt his fingers separate the skin like butter and the feeling of my skin separating from muscle. He pulled all the skin from my body, rolling it up into a tidy ball. I could no longer see through my own eyes but only through the sky. He opened his mouth wide and then wider, and I watched him devour me. All the parts that were devourable. It took him a long time and nothing was wasted. I watched him leave and crush my skull under his step.
When Shiva exited, Shakti arrived. She was like the sun, and I felt my body back in the tank sigh. Light poured from her eyes and I could hear her breath, see the rise and fall of her chest like waves on a shore. The bodies disappeared and there was only white void around my broken bone fragments. She kneeled down, golden hands scooping pieces, collecting them all. I saw her breath in sharply, and a barely visible light leave my skull and suck into her nostrils. She breathed out and a new light appeared, floating briefly and then absorbing into the air around her. I reset.
These images were pure and they registered on many levels. I process them as illusions but found their roots, nutrient rich knowledge that I had been seeking. I understood it would take patience to digest, to fully understand and put to use. When the images became lighter and lighter, the darkness crowded in again and I remembered the tank and the water around me. I felt immediate discomfort as my body reconnected with my mind. A mild irritation formed about how long it had been and whether it was in my best interest to be without movement for so long. I felt like I was behind the veil again. The curtain fell and this reality found me and dragged me back. I calmed my body enough to float in a mind trance for another piece of time until I sat up, opened the door and my legs carried me out. There was no resistance because I was busy processing.
I wish I could say that I felt relaxed and rejuvenated for the rest of the day. This float provided much more than that. It took a lot to dislodge the blocks and now there is so much work to do that I need to remind myself that it cannot happen over night, even though all the knowledge is sitting right in front of me now.