July 31, 2015

When I think about the things that I wish I could change, it is becoming less and less external. My internal framework, the roots of my being get tangled up in the results. I can see the web beneath, the intricate marks of my mind and how it has become intertwined with this reality. When I rely on the feeling, and the layers behind it, I have enough space to recognize my own motives. Suffering is caused by change and we are all suffering because we all change. There is nothing to hold on to, not a bit that can go without decay in some form or another. It is all falling away below and around. Like quick sand, the more we struggle, the faster we sink.

I watch my body, try to fight against it and end up losing. This is a space I will fill for the entirety of this existence. The only escape would be ending the travels of this particular body only to venture into the unknown. The known always seems better than the unknown. There are methods to work with suffering but in the end, the cycle converges, and takes me under again. Death will be my greatest voyage but I can’t focus on that, right now there is life and lessons. My lessons are more forceful than ever before. The pressure to learn and move on to the next, the building blocks of my remembering.

I struggle just like everyone else. The pain comes in loss, the idea of loss, comparing, judging, forgetting, worrying, limiting, or feeling like I am limited, like there is no control and then too much control. Spinning outwards and landing in that reckless spot of self pity. I come back to myself after being lost for a time, I always come back to this realization. I can’t go back to before when there was just surviving. That was a lesson that cycled enough for me to learn it well. I can survive almost anything, we all can but there are variable levels of pain that go along with it. This time around, I got lucky and could focus on my awareness, on the combination of body, mind and spirit. Instead of all that energy spent on this form.

I get antsy, wondering what the future will bring. Like that song ‘I asked my mother, what will the future bring, will I be pretty, will I be rich, here’s what she said to me… Que Sera Sera what ever will be will be, the future’s not ours to see, Que Sera Sera’. When this is all there is and will ever be. In this golden moment, with the world at my fingertips and my eyes on the stars. I can’t get it back when it’s gone I can’t just wish for tomorrow to come. This thriving life is the tip, the edge, the swell curving under and over then away. So I have it all and never completely understand just what that means. I imagine there will come a time when I know it all at once but that will be too late and I am working towards having the clear concept before that time. If I want something to be different, I can’t wait. This I know. It will change when I truly want it to and then allow it to. So much has changed already.

I think of that place I was in before because looking back is at least good for that. Reflection on where I have come from. It was so dark, void of the light I carry, snipped of joy and devastating to that inner child that I kept alive. I cut myself down to the lowest of low, and kept my pulse of love so weak. I barely survived and when I finally came to the surface I was blind with sadness, sorrow leaked from my skin. Now I use it, fertilizer for my next growth, for the shells I leave behind keep growing. Transformation doesn’t have to be so painful I keep telling myself. It can be a soft slow dance and beautiful for anyone close to me. It doesn’t have to be so lonely. Yet I close in when things get hard because I know I have everyone within me already, even if I can’t see faces or hear voices. That knowledge stuck, we are all in this together whether we like it or not. All facing the same terrible end that turns into bittersweet bliss. I am the universe discovering itself.