July 3, 2015

I shouldn’t be sitting here trying to talk myself into whether I deserve it or not. All this time, circling back around to self-blame and shame, that I shouldn’t do anything for myself, that it is better to feel the burdening black of sadness. Here is an opportunity, to be somewhere new and feel the ocean around my toes, to step into my dreams. I am still second guessing if it is real, as though the ground could crumble out from below me at any moment and I will be sucked back into the most destitute moments of the past months. Again I would be at the bottom of the barrel, rock foundation, melting into more chaos with every passing day. I somehow can’t allow myself to feel that wave of bliss, that release of obstruction in my chest, there is something holding me back and I know it’s probably just this complex, that I shouldn’t be happy. Suffering allows transformation but then it is time to let go of the method, not to hold on so tightly to pain, after it has done its work – it will eat me alive if I let it. If I let guilt ride me, it won’t matter where I am, in the most beautiful of places, I will be miserable. In my head, I imagine that others don’t want this for me either, that they might have seen the whole scenario differently. How could they know? They weren’t in my head when I was as the bottom looking up, not able to pull myself out, resigning to the weight of my depression and letting it all fade out. They might see my face, a pasted smile, glassy eyes and that I am still waking up and showing up. Only I know how desperately I need to reset, to remake my vision for the future and act with renewed kindness to this body and the spirit within it. I see my own picture, the circumference closing, the only eyes I know from the inside out. My gut twists and turns with indecision and yet I finally made a decision and it’s small, finite but it’s my own.