Stripping down the fragile pieces that pile on my heart, the weight that shuffles and dispels the hope in me. Your screen separated me from reality and I peered in at your images, the pictures swell from your underbelly. The choices you have made have carved patterns in painful memory, the silent absence that trusted you further than I should. Now backwards, time reminds that I came too far too fast and now the fall. The utterance of your name, my mind pops the phrases and promises that were kept in secret and broken bare on the back our future. Can I forgive, the emptiness pours like fluid over new wounds, the old just barely healed. I know this is an opportunity for work on myself, to bring a strength that is always there but first the ache. Hollowing the turns of my temple, I walk the day in frangant wafts of a dream, the illusions I wove of us. Still the love, I cannot stop but there it is, the simple truths of deception. Worlds built on cracked foundation, fractures down the photographic frames that nurture our faces in polished pride. I can’t hide the tension tugging at the corner of my eyes and you recognize the distance. I read over the words of before, the innocent beliefs that wrapped us in small packages, our connection so vibrant. Now this, the slow disintegration of our story and I am falling off the page, words in tidy print coated in a sad melody. I cannot go back to yesterday before the changes, before I knew. Isolated, you shared the webbing of a day and how we promised we would stay, together. I watch the favorite curve of your face and how your eyes form prism patterns but there is difference. A seeding of the new, the actions that you do and there is more than I can say. Time will tell, tenderized but when the edges are softened and then morning maybe I will forget or forgive.
My feelings are a scattered soup of guilt, regret, questioning and self-hatred. Why is it that I make such choices? Why is it that I continue hurting others? Why am I so thoughtless when it comes to the feelings and thoughts of others? It’s like I’m willfully digging deeper and deepere into my wrists, severing the only entities that make me feel connected to this existence – at least that’s how my actions have seemed. Ruining a relationship that I would never in my life have even dreamed of occurring, especially to me. A partnership with someone so amazing, so pure, so full of light, so beautiful, so stimulating. Someone who deserves all the respect, all the love, all the truth, and all the purity in the world – and her mistake was falling in love with me.
Is it possible to rebuild the foundations I’ve shattered in her mind? There is always a possibility, and the only way to know is to do something about it.
This is an important opportunity for me – to grow. I can only learn from my mistakes, and be more serious with my words and doings. I want to show her that there is such a thing as change, I want to show her the light again, I want to reach deep into her soul, and unlock the doors I peeked into not so long ago. I want this person, who deserves the world, to get the best parts of it from me.