February 10, 2015

Time slows down as I make my decisions tangible. There are so many paths that I could take and yet I tend to stick with what is comfortable. So in lies my tension, desires are blooming at my center. The places I want to go and how I will go, and how I will get there. I am thinking about how to make my deepest dreams a reality. My mind becomes open and relaxed, believing the impossible and that if I direct my energy towards it, anything can happen. I recognize the power of my mind and if I start boxing myself in to a certain idea about myself, I will become it. Extending outwards, I watch the world around me with fresh eyes. Picking up the vibrations of people that inspire me and feed my thirst for adventure. Patience is so important and yet it if I stay in my head for too long, I won’t bridge the gap into the physical, into actually doing.

When I actually think about what I want to do, it comes back to expressions. There are so many ways I want to tie into the world, to scoop up experiences that will make me grow and transform my thought processes. Tapping into a depth that is insurmountable. I feel it when I write, create any form of art, sing, do yoga, meditate, and even when I lie still long enough to feel my essence, the vitality that springs life. I want to find a way to live this truth. To open my eyes every morning and give to my environment, to expend energy on activities that align with my values. Out of the box, out of the lines, past pages, ideas, concepts, limiting beliefs, in a way of life that is filled with passion.

Why do I feel this so strongly and yet allow myself to feel the crushing reality of not being able to live this way? It’s my choice. Listening to others who don’t believe it’s possible, valuing their opinion over my own, imagining that other people might be able to do this but not me. For some reason, I imagine it all so vividly and then let it stay in my head and heart. The barrier becomes thick and I sink lower into the void. Lose meaning in life, having an all or nothing attitude.     This becomes my darkness, on the flip side of my light. Under the surface, the swirling possibilities, the child in me that hasn’t completely been dissolved and I hold onto that. Whatever is left of hope, dreams, ideas that don’t fit the mold. I have tasted a new way of life, seen it in my mind’s eye and I need to commit myself to it. Taking the well worn path has been an experience, one that I have allowed myself to take again and again because survival was more important than living truth.

It keeps coming back, at night when I am about to fade into dreams, the push of my spirit. An intuition that gets pushed far back, the ifs and buts taking over, criticism flooding the space of thoughts. I have tried to ignore it, make believe that it is just the part of me that won’t grow up. Telling myself that this is reality, and my thoughts are utopian, immature. Yet the veil lifts a bit more every day as I observe my surroundings and become quieter within to finally hear. There is a story that I have been allowing myself to be part of for a long time, and as a result, I have tried to contain that which cannot be contained. Each day, it shines a bit brighter, through the dull coat I have been wearing. The seams ripping bit by bit to allow transformation. What new choices will I make?