December 18, 2014

Today is quiet starting. I had a dream last night that keeps going through my mind. I was stabbed with a kitchen knife in the stomach and felt it all. It was so painful and overwhelming that everything else disappeared. I was grasping to every moment, there was no longer a stretch of moments for my taking, it was shrunken down, examined closely. I lost the feeling in my legs and it felt like a numb throb in my the center of my stomach, and my mind became very calm. At first I was desperately wanting to talk to everyone that I ever loved, but eventually, within seconds, my thoughts shifted to impending death. I focused on my preparation and I regretted that I did not dedicate myself to the preparation much earlier. Fear was crawling over my mind and screaming attachments. I knew there wouldn’t be much left, so I just stared up at the sky. I woke up from that dream in the middle of the night and it was so real that I laid there without relief holding my stomach. I couldn’t erase that feeling of the last seconds before the journey. There was a man driving me to the hospital and he turned to me with wide eyes and I said that it would be an adventure that we all have to go on. He said that it was horrible to wake up every day and know that we face that end. I told him that it wasn’t an end but a beginning. I remember there were was blood leaking from his gums, and he looked so sick. Today I want to shrink down the seconds. To magnify the moment as much as I possibly can. To allow the sweet throb of life in every part of an average day to nurture my awareness