I have a hard time being in my body. I see it as a shell and understand the responsibilities that go along with that. The problem is that I find it difficult to call it home when I know it is not. I know it’s a temperal existence in this one and I remember many of the others, this one has me in a pinch though because I keep leaving it. I feel my physical limitations and the balance is hard to maintain, between sensing and experiencing the exponential creativity of space. It’s that feeling of being condensed into a pin prick of space (the body) and then zooming out, expanding into everything and feeling no limitations. It’s a void but it’s all part of you so there is no distinction. So now, I waver between trying to see these bones, pieces and parts as my vessel and essential to the lessons that I am here to learn and the sense that it’s all a dream. If my lesson is to go through these motions, the ups and downs of being human or the curriculum, then why does it feel so uncomfortable looking in the mirror and seeing this one.
I have created my own barrier to myself. I know and yet I am limiting myself in knowing. Ram Dass says ‘be in the world but not of the world’ and that eventually when you wake up enough, you enter into the ‘dark night of the soul’. I feel like I am in the dark night of the soul, and I question how long I will hold on to this one. I don’t feel especially attuned to this story line from childhood to adulthood. Like reading a book and never really getting completely absorbed in the story, except that story is me. I feel like I am on a bridge, balanced between this existence and all the rest that goes on below the surface. Detached from my means and depressed at the idea of playing this one out. My karma and the unravellings that will lead to some semblance of feeling ‘free’ in this lifetime. When I travel outside of my body, I feel peaceful, the fear disappears and the knowing takes over. I trust the dream more than reality.
Now it’s hard to explain depression, the feeling of not being one with this life even though it all meant to be one. Perhaps that is the lesson for myself. Embrace it all, even the suffering of being when you don’t want to be. I don’t feel like I fit as a result. Conversations don’t fulfill, communication does not connect me to others but at the core I know that they are part of me and I am part of them. I don’t have the desires that I feel I should. Being sexual loses appeal when it is attached to having children because I see that is just a need that we all have to reproduce. Our bodies have evolved to seek out this pleasure in order preserve the species. If intimacy was for knowing the other better and therefore knowing yourself, the desire would grow. I am not allowing myself to be present because I am somewhere else. Like a spiritual coma, uprooting every time my body tries to plant itself into the earth.
While there are things to learn, I will remain. Whether in this lifetime or in the next and that feeling of movement, the tug of destiny and falling through the cracks of birth after birth is what weighs me down. The roles are ingrained deep into my DNA and yet they are not, they appear as a veil but it is transparent. I can see the shapes moving on the other side and this form doesn’t seem as real as the others have been. I feel it’s necessary to make my mark on the world and while creativity feels the best out of all the actions, it still means being in the body. I reach out and try to find the things that will keep me occupied, grounded, engaged enough to keep desiring. If the desiring stops then the last desire would be for this game to end and the desires to end. I should want to offer something to others but we all have everything we need. The paradox is that the suffering is grace.
Moving forward, the thoughts circle and the deeper essence remains. I know that it will never end, just evolve and bring me closer. I am in touch with the part of me that is without a role, faceless, formless, out of bone and tissue and into the stars. In that sense I feel like I don’t really truly exist but am being mirrored by that higher spirit that is guiding something larger. I trust it and yet the pain comes from struggling to hold on. Wondering what to hold on to, if not the body, if I let that go, then will I learn the lesson that is necessary for progression?