August 6, 2015

I feel like I am far away from where I want to be. Like the main stream is over to the left and I am running parallel, encountering stones, trees, distractions that keep me from getting to that source. I can smell it, taste, feel it but I can’t see it and there is not a complete interaction. As a result, I am not tuned in, I am really out of tune actually. Listening is becoming more of a priority but for so long or ignoring or paying more attention to what other people think or want, I am blind and deaf to my own truths. This void has tried to manifest in my life, through getting really sick, so sick that I couldn’t function most days. Not having a way to define that sickness and becoming more and more depressed because of how far from my dream I was.

That helpless/hopeless feeling has claws and teeth and it burrows itself in until the sky disappears and there is only the clouds. A darkness that soaks up all the light like a monstrous sponge. It leaves no room for expansion and with those doorways hidden, the room is too small to even breathe. This is the cocoon and there is a positive edge to it. Reflecting on that pain, I can see the forced growth that has planted itself in my life. There is much more work to be done though. The nourishment needed is letting go of those restraints, the boundaries I keep tight around my heart, around the part of me that knows the big picture. I have seen the power of my doubt and what happens when I am pulled in all directions only to curl up and pray that all these storms pass.

The storms are my callings, the passions that I leave for the bit of spare time I have left over. When everything so much more stacks up higher. I have left myself to the wayside. Taking care of what I consider essential, survival taken care of, striving for self-actualization when there are steps missing. The truth is that I believe that I am broken and can’t get to where I want to be. So I don’t try. Yet the undercurrent is opposing, the knowledge that I can’t begin to fathom my capabilities and how far I will go if I align with that source. I am cutting against the grain with this reality, not melting into my destiny as I am meant to. I am strong in many ways, some benefit me and other patterns hold on for the life of them.

If I could imagine letting go, face my fears of chaos and not knowing, what would that look like? I have already faced some pretty terrifying parts of myself that lowered me to the lowest I have ever been. Leaving me adrift in an ocean of my own making, alone with thoughts empty of self-love. Now that I have been there, I can start from that bottom. Starting from rock bottom seems like not a bad place to start, no expectations, nowhere to fall. The patterns create myths about where I could fall and I can see them enough to avoid them. There is so much possibility in every day, bursting at the seams of each moment and I can always feel it. I have the ability to choose the best way, the path that will lead me to my goal.