April 10, 2015

You cant hide sadness, eventually it begins to make its way out. It comes from a wrestling with thoughts, trying to rearrange life into some semblance of order. Turns out that doing that causes more suffering. I am starting to feel that my sadness is not the problem in itself, it is how I view it. There is a reason to be sad about some things. If it hurts then I am allowed to feel it and so much time is spent trying to fix what is wrong. What if it just needs to heal on its own and I stopped trying to make it all better? If I stopped feeling bad about feeling the pain sometimes.

The last two days, I attended Applied Suicide Intervention Skills Training and the heaviness pulled on my spirit but it resolved a lot of things as well. Another example of suffering as grace. The people at the training shared a lot, I had never talked so much about death with strangers before. I had never felt so raw in such a short period of time. It was a hard pill to swallow. I wanted to close up but the experiences of my past came flooding back. My own experiences with suicide were so present that I couldn’t look away or tuck them back behind other thoughts.  I felt hollow and then like I was overflowing, I cared too much and then I felt carefree. The training included role playing, getting into characters which were either the caregiver or person at risk, and creating a story, and attempting to save a life. It was so good to feel so deeply but it has left me a little shaken, a little startled by the stirring in my being.

So I will be sad for awhile, and ruminate on the feelings, emotions, memories that feel like they are reanimated, ready for resolution. The skeletons in my past, crisp bones, crumbling into dust. The difference is, I am not going to feel the urge to feel better. It takes time to heal, it takes time to soak in the meaning and then move past it. The reasons that people kill themselves resonated with me, I begin to really think about where I was within myself and how I got there. The places I take myself, the labyrinth of visual playground, the fabric of my thoughts. I am not alone though, I learned that at the training and my experiences have shaped me and when I truly digest them, I will be able to use them to help others. It will all be a gift.