Love. It’s not as believable as it once was. I liked thinking about it like an adolescent does but then we all grow up and need be rational and learn from what we experience. I heard that we accept the love that we think we deserve and that stuck in my head. I have never thought that I deserved much. Even the opportunity to be open and honest with myself about the way I feel. That seems too hard, there is a lot of letting lose and taking chances and I live in fear mostly. I thought that love would wrap me up and elate me. That there would be someone out there that would think I was special, something different and incomparable to all the other somebodies. Not because of how I look because that will always change, there is no consistency, only symmetry or asymmetry and good or bad days. Time will sweep it away, but the color on the inside, that maybe we somehow attract each other. That there were waves that seeped out of us while we walked around living and one day we would feel a pull in a direction and I guess it would begin. The memory of those thoughts is distant now. It’s naive to think like that. I believe it one moment and then question whether I am silly to imagine that inner light attracting or repelling. Why did I believe that? I read too much maybe, imagined too much for my own good.
People are all busy working on themselves. I think I am lucky to have people that want to be around me, that are kind to me. Whether or not the romantic kind of exists, I am not so sure about. It might just be mistaken for obsession or a solution for lonliness. We all are afraid of being alone and sometimes just want to be liked. Is there more to it? Soulmates or maybe just two people that choose to recognize each other, through the maze of dillusion, through the layers of distraction. It’s all on the inside, my expectations about love are there too. A desire to have the connection, the passion and blossoming respect for another human being. To not worry about getting hurt, about feeling used or forgotton, replaced or abandoned. To not see it as sacrifice but the giving that comes automatically. There is so much work I need to do. Always me and not you.
It always looks better in the morning, when these thoughts come I remember that they will pass. I will fall back into place, back into thinking differently, more positively and not so full of unrealistic expectations. It comes from being selfish I think, wanting to have that kind of love that is so rare if it even exists at all. There are so many people out there, what would I have that someone else wouldn’t. It makes me think that I shouldn’t grasp to anything, that these emotions are reckless and create pain, a longing for something that is not right to wish for. I don’t want to be an ant, antennas bouncing off of one another, I want real human connection, I want to be seen and to see all those around me. If we accept the love that we think we deserve than this feeling means I need to work harder to believe I deserve more. Maybe it is all there and I just can’t see it.